Brateman, a psychotherapist, offers recommendations for couples who have become stuck in deeply entrenched patterns. She distinguishes productive fighting from the kind that leads to emotional gridlock. Old grievances like betrayals have to be put to rest. Understanding must be the goal, rather than a fervid commitment to being right or maintaining a sense of superiority. In essence, the needs of the relationship have to come before one’s own. Brateman discusses the kind of manipulative behavior that gives rise to petty fights and which includes unremitting criticism, deliberate distortion of meaning, and weaponization of insecurities. Couples are frequently unaware of their own emotional triggers, which may have to be teased out. The author has a few underlying themes: a willingness to renegotiate is the hallmark of a healthy relationship, sexual needs and desires do not always follow a straight path, and boundaries are essential. Brateman interweaves her narrative with real but camouflaged examples from her therapy sessions. Her concise layout and practical advice will likely help many couples.

Booklist

Conflict is an essential and inevitable part of every intimate relationship. Thankfully, there are intrepid healers out there like Lisa Brateman, who are willing to help guide us through the hardest and most painful of those conflicts.

Steven Ing, Managing Love Intelligently Podcast

Born from over twenty years of experience with countless couples, Lisa Brateman’s deep wisdom is distilled into this necessary, compassionate, and practical guide. With invaluable insights and real-world examples, What Are We Really Fighting About? offers a clear roadmap for any couple seeking to navigate the complexities of love, sex, money, family, and all the challenges of modern coupled life.

Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety

What Are We Really Fighting About? offers invaluable advice on how to overcome barriers to intimacy and turn relationship conflicts into connections. Readers will learn to shed their ‘emotional armor’ and express themselves openly, intentionally, and respectfully. A must read for all couples.

Andre Sólo, co-founder of Sensitive Refuge and co-author of Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much World